The Jewel Saloon

The Jewel Saloon
Area	Dirtwater
Unlocked by	Arriving in Dirtwater

The Jewel Saloon is the bar and hotel in Dirtwater. The staircase to the left leads to your room, while the main entrance leads to the bar area. Doorways right of the bar area lead to the poker room, the kitchen, and the stage.

The Bar

In the main bar area you can talk to the bartender to purchase a drink. You can also find William Ellsbury sitting at a table, a spittoon, and a slop vendor selling, well, slop.

Errands

• The bartender asks you to fix the piano player (requires a needle and 5 Mysticality), for which you can receive 20 - 22 XP.
• 30 XP for bringing Ellsbury his helmet and a bottle of laudanum, then listening to his story.
  • This can be repeated multiple times by bringing him a new bottle of laudanum.

Items

• a filthy porcelain cow can be acquired by those brave enough to search the spittoon.
• a plate of slop can be purchased for 5 Meat from the slop vendor.
• a shot of Dirtwater Bourbon can be purchased for 5 Meat from the bartender.
• a miniature piano can be obtained from the bartender once you have read the fifth plaque in Shaggy Dog Cave.

Your Room

Your room can be found to the left of the bar. It is unlocked by speaking with the barkeep. Things you may do in your room include:

• Sleep in your bed to end the day and empty your stomach, liver, and spleen. It will also remove most of your temporary effects.
  • Please note that certain perks, which are different from effects, are permanent, and some (namely Cowrruption) can only be purified by following instructions at Kellogg Ranch.
• You can place items in your room including:
  • Strange lamp
  • Disturbing portrait
  • Portable alchemistry set (Snake Oilers only)
  • Portable arcane oven (Beanslingers only)
  • Portable leatherwork bench (Cow Punchers only)
  • Note from Curly
• You can use disposable binoculars to look out the window from your room. Locations that you may observe (unlock) from here are:
  • The Daveyard
  • Fort Cowardice
  • Snakepit Mine
  • Stearns Ranch
• You can insult yourself in your mirror to make yourself angry for a buff effect.
  • Careful: if you make yourself too angry you will pass out and the day will end.

Items

• a blank postcard can be found on your bedside table

The Poker Room

In the poker room there is one table you can sit at and play poker. Each poker game consists of 3 rounds of play, during which you can attempt to increase your odds of winning, and/or the amount of meat in question. You can play repeatedly, but the more you win the harder it gets (and the more money it costs).

• The ante is 20 + (5 * pokerwins) meat, and you play with 2 others, so the starting pot is 3x that amount.
• Your initial hand is randomly selected and gives you your baseline chance of winning:

Win Chance	Message
10%	"It's a totally garbage hand."
20%	"It's a really terrible hand."
30%	"It's a pretty decent hand."
40%	"It's a really great hand!"

• Your winning chance is then reduced base on the number of times you have won poker:

Games Won	Chance Change
6 - 15	-5%
16 - 30	-10%
31 - 50	-15%
51+	-20%

3 rounds are played. Each round you may raise, strategize, check, cheat, or fold.

Raise

• One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected, and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you can bet more meat (and your opponents match it).

Strategize

• One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected. , and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you gain 20% to your chance of winning.

Check

• 5% is added to your chance of winning. There is a 50% chance of one of your opponents raising, which will allow you to call (bet the same amount), or fold.

Cheat

• Cheating requires the Dirty Poker skill. Your chance of a successful cheat depends on your skill level:

Dirty Poker skill level	Chance of Success
1	25%
2	40%
3	55%
4	70%

• Successfully cheating raises your winning chance by 30%.
• Failing to cheat successfully reduces your winning chance by 10%

Fold

• You quit, and lose whatever you have bet.

The Kitchen

The kitchen contains the cook.

Errands

• The cook can present you with a series of tasks:
  • Bring him a shaker of saltpeter. The shaker can be found in a cabinet in the Administration/Mess Hall of Fort Cowardice, and returning it rewards you with 10 - 11 XP.
  • Bring him a Southeast-Western Murder Pepper. It can be found by wandering in the area outside of Dirtwater. You will be rewarded with 10 - 11 XP.
  • Using the key he gives you, pick up the sauté knife from the chef's P.O Box at the post office. Return it to the chef to gain 10 - 11 XP.
  • Loot the grave of Dave J at The Daveyard and bring back his secret sauce recipe to the chef. You will gain 10 - 11 XP and a sloppy cowboy hat (Cow Puncher), sloppy chef's hat (Beanslinger), or sloppy tophat (Snake Oiler).

The Stage

The stage area is where you will find the Dirtwater band as you populate it with band members. It is initially empty, although you can ring the cowbell.

Errands

• 1 XP can also be gained by righting the fallen chair.

Mad Libs

In the poker room, the rules of poker can be read. Example: Two threes and a pair of suicide Jacks count as a flush.

Bucket	Results
Rules	[CARDS] are wild, and [CARDS] [OF SUITS] are double wild. [CARDS] are wild, unless accompanied by [NUMBER] [CARDS] [OF SUITS]. [NUMBER] of [CARDS] [OF SUITS] and [NUMBER] of [CARDS] count as a [HAND]. A [CARD] [RULE] [NUMBER] [CARD(S)]. A [HAND] beats a [HAND]. A player [CHEATING] [PENALTY]. Any player [CHEATING] [PENALTY].
[CARD(S)]	ace(s) deuce(s) eight(s) five(s) four(s) nine(s) [CARD MODIFIER] Jack(s) [CARD MODIFIER] Queen(s) [CARD MODIFIER] King(s) seven(s) sixe(s) ten(s) three(s) trey(s) two(s)
[CARD MODIFIER]	nothing homocide moustachioed one-armed one-eyed one-handed suicide two-eyed
[NUMBER]	a a pair of four three two
[SUITS]	of clubs of Diamonds of Hearts of Spades nothing
[HAND]	flush full house straight [LOCATION] flush [LOCATION] full house [LOCATION] straight backwards [HAND] reverse [HAND] royal [HAND]
[LOCATION]	Arizona Canadian California Georgia Kentucky Montana South Carolina Utah
[RULE]	can't be in the same hand as cancels out is equivalent to is twice as valuable as is worth the same as loses against must be replaced with ranks higher than [RULE] [NUMBER] [CARDS], but [RULE]
[CHEATING]	caught cheating caught dealing from the bottom of the deck caught with a pocket [CARD] holding [NUMBER] [CARDS] passing out drunk at the table spitting anywhere other than a spittoon who draws [NUMBER] [CARDS] with more than [LARGE NUMBER] cards in their hand
[PENALTY]	immediately loses the game. immediately wins the game. must add [LARGE NUMBER] Meat to the pot. must discard [LARGE NUMBER] cards. must draw a new hand of cards. must draw an additional [LARGE NUMBER] cards. must immediately discard [NUMBER] [CARDS] must immediately double their bet. must immediately hand [LARGE NUMBER] Meat to the player on their left. must remove their boots. must remove their hat. must swap cards with the player on their left.
[LARGE NUMBER]	3 11 20 23 25 27 28 33 34 36 37 100