West of Loathing Wiki
The Jewel Saloon
Unlocked by
Arriving in Dirtwater

The Jewel Saloon is the bar and hotel in Dirtwater. The staircase to the left leads to your room, while the main entrance leads to the bar area. Doorways right of the bar area lead to the poker room, the kitchen, and the stage.

The Bar[]

In the main bar area you can talk to the bartender to purchase a drink. You can also find William Ellsbury sitting at a table, a spittoon, and a slop vendor selling, well, slop.


  • The bartender asks you to fix the piano player (requires a needle and 5 Mysticality), for which you can receive 20 - 22 XP.
  • 30 XP for bringing Ellsbury his helmet and a bottle of laudanum, then listening to his story.
    • This can be repeated multiple times by bringing him a new bottle of laudanum.


Your Room[]

Your room can be found to the left of the bar. It is unlocked by speaking with the barkeep. Things you may do in your room include:


The Poker Room[]

In the poker room there is one table you can sit at and play poker. Each poker game consists of 3 rounds of play, during which you can attempt to increase your odds of winning, and/or the amount of meat in question. You can play repeatedly, but the more you win the harder it gets (and the more money it costs).

  • The ante is 20 + (5 * pokerwins) meat, and you play with 2 others, so the starting pot is 3x that amount.
  • Your initial hand is randomly selected and gives you your baseline chance of winning:
Win Chance Message
10% "It's a totally garbage hand."
20% "It's a really terrible hand."
30% "It's a pretty decent hand."
40% "It's a really great hand!"
  • Your winning chance is then reduced base on the number of times you have won poker:
Games Won Chance Change
6 - 15 -5%
16 - 30 -10%
31 - 50 -15%
51+ -20%

3 rounds are played. Each round you may raise, strategize, check, cheat, or fold.

  • One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected, and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you can bet more meat (and your opponents match it).
  • One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected. , and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you gain 20% to your chance of winning.
  • 5% is added to your chance of winning. There is a 50% chance of one of your opponents raising, which will allow you to call (bet the same amount), or fold.
  • Cheating requires the Dirty Poker skill. Your chance of a successful cheat depends on your skill level:
Dirty Poker skill level Chance of Success
1 25%
2 40%
3 55%
4 70%
  • Successfully cheating raises your winning chance by 30%.
  • Failing to cheat successfully reduces your winning chance by 10%
  • You quit, and lose whatever you have bet.

The Kitchen[]

The kitchen contains the cook.


The Stage[]

The stage area is where you will find the Dirtwater band as you populate it with band members. It is initially empty, although you can ring the cowbell.


  • 1 XP can also be gained by righting the fallen chair.

Mad Libs[]

In the poker room, the rules of poker can be read. Example: Two threes and a pair of suicide Jacks count as a flush.

Bucket Results
  • [CARDS] are wild, and [CARDS] [OF SUITS] are double wild.
  • [CARDS] are wild, unless accompanied by [NUMBER] [CARDS] [OF SUITS].
  • [NUMBER] of [CARDS] [OF SUITS] and [NUMBER] of [CARDS] count as a [HAND].
  • A [HAND] beats a [HAND].
  • A player [CHEATING] [PENALTY].
  • Any player [CHEATING] [PENALTY].
  • ace(s)
  • deuce(s)
  • eight(s)
  • five(s)
  • four(s)
  • nine(s)
  • [CARD MODIFIER] Jack(s)
  • [CARD MODIFIER] Queen(s)
  • [CARD MODIFIER] King(s)
  • seven(s)
  • sixe(s)
  • ten(s)
  • three(s)
  • trey(s)
  • two(s)
  • nothing
  • homocide
  • moustachioed
  • one-armed
  • one-eyed
  • one-handed
  • suicide
  • two-eyed
  • a
  • a pair of
  • four
  • three
  • two
  • of clubs
  • of Diamonds
  • of Hearts
  • of Spades
  • nothing
  • flush
  • full house
  • straight
  • [LOCATION] flush
  • [LOCATION] full house
  • [LOCATION] straight
  • backwards [HAND]
  • reverse [HAND]
  • royal [HAND]
  • Arizona
  • Canadian
  • California
  • Georgia
  • Kentucky
  • Montana
  • South Carolina
  • Utah
  • can't be in the same hand as
  • cancels out
  • is equivalent to
  • is twice as valuable as
  • is worth the same as
  • loses against
  • must be replaced with
  • ranks higher than
  • [RULE] [NUMBER] [CARDS], but [RULE]
  • caught cheating
  • caught dealing from the bottom of the deck
  • caught with a pocket [CARD]
  • holding [NUMBER] [CARDS]
  • passing out drunk at the table
  • spitting anywhere other than a spittoon
  • who draws [NUMBER] [CARDS]
  • with more than [LARGE NUMBER] cards in their hand
  • immediately loses the game.
  • immediately wins the game.
  • must add [LARGE NUMBER] Meat to the pot.
  • must discard [LARGE NUMBER] cards.
  • must draw a new hand of cards.
  • must draw an additional [LARGE NUMBER] cards.
  • must immediately discard [NUMBER] [CARDS]
  • must immediately double their bet.
  • must immediately hand [LARGE NUMBER] Meat to the player on their left.
  • must remove their boots.
  • must remove their hat.
  • must swap cards with the player on their left.
  • 3
  • 11
  • 20
  • 23
  • 25
  • 27
  • 28
  • 33
  • 34
  • 36
  • 37
  • 100